


I found a love for me

by FlyMeFarAway



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-09 15:45:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12891204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlyMeFarAway/pseuds/FlyMeFarAway
Summary: What happened after William returned to Oslo from London and when nobody could reach him or Noora for four days? A story of forgiveness, understanding and love told from both of their POV's.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Note: There are several stories about what happened during those days when Noora and William went ghost. I want to compliment all the writers for your wonderful take on these special days. So much has been written, so many beautiful things - but I felt I had something of my own to add. So, this is my take on the four days. I'm trying to explore both of their feelings. I'm trying to tap into the thing Noora said to Sana, that William opened up fully and that she finally understood him, all of him. Something must have happened during those days, something really important. I'm sure there was a lot of physical activity as well (yey!) but surely they spoke a lot too :)? Hope you enjoy! This is my first fan fiction ever, please give me feedback :). Also, I'm not a native English speaker, so please forgive the spelling errors.  
> 4.12.2017: Edited, just a few spelling errors and stylistics. Also, title is from Ed Sheeran’s song “Perfect”.

The ride from the airport felt endless. William watched the houses and streets fly by from the backseat of the cab. His mind kept replaying Noora's email, as it had for the last 12 hours. Everything in between was a blur - the frantic booking of plane tickets, the quick packing of a few essentials, the short message to his dad, the ride to the airport, getting soaked in the typical London rain - and he felt exhausted and yet wide awake. He couldn't get the words out of his mind - "Jeg elsker deg. Om du elsker meg, kom till Oslo." The email had said other things as well, but only that one sentence had registered. After eight months of no contact whatsoever from Noora (except for the tidbits of information he had gotten through Chris), this simple sentence wiped away all the questions and everything seemed so simple all of sudden. The knowledge that she still loved him made him feel alive again after feeling like a soulless zombie for so many months. The high he had ridden on, however, was ebbing away the nearer to Chris' house he got. The mere sight of Oslo made all the questions come back. Why had she left in the first place? Why had she contacted him at this particular moment? And, above all, was there still a chance for them?

The cab slowed down and stopped in front of the Schistad's villa. William paid for the cab and got out. He opened the gate to the small yard, closed it, and walked up the stairs and knocked on the door. (The Schistad's had never wanted a doorbell. Chris' parents were such traditionalists). After a moment, Chris opened the door.

\- "Bro! You didn't tell me you were coming home!" Chris yelled and grabbed William's shoulder.  
\- "Nice to see you, Chris." William dropped his bag on the floor and pushed the hair out of his eyes.  
\- "Come on in," Chris said, "you want a Coke or something?"  
\- "No, thanks, I'm fine." Suddenly William felt ill at ease. Chris was bound to start asking questions, questions he didn't want to and suspected he wouldn't be able to answer. But it seemed that he underestimated his friend, and it was not the first time Chris showed that there was a lot more to him than just the usual fuckboy appearance he usually put forth. He didn't ask any questions, instead grabbed a Coke from the fridge, gave it to William despite him declining the offer and said: "Your timing is the best, W. I'm going to Eva's birthday party in just a few minutes, and now we can take your car."  
William almost choked on his coke. "Eva's...? You mean Eva, Eva from Nissen?"  
Chris laughed. "Yep, the one and only! She's having a garden party to celebrate her birthday and as her on-off-boyfriend I am of course invited. You should come, too. Give me a lift. It'll make me look cool."  
William swallowed. "I'm not invited." Chris snorted. "Who cares?" He stood up. "Hey, bro, at least drive me to the party. I'm trying to impress Eva. Bro's help bro's, right?" Without waiting for an answer, Chris took his phone and wallet and walked to the door. William's head was spinning. Everything happened so fast. He was sure Noora would be at Eva's party. Even though he had left London for her, to be able to talk to her and meet her face-to-face, he hadn't really envisioned doing it in front of all her friends. But he couldn't very well tell this to Chris, now could he?

And that is why William found himself seated in his car, that he had stowed in the Schistad's garage when leaving for London (with Noora, his mind unhelpfully added, reminding him of how deliriously happy he had been that day), driving to the same place where he once was told to pick up Vilde. That seemed like ages ago, now. William tried to forget the fact that he had seen Noora the first time at Eva's. She had made an impact on him then already. He remembered being a bit frazzled after greeting Eva's mom, and when he turned, three tipsy girls were walking on wobbly legs through the garden. He had recognized Vilde, of course, but not the other two, a short brunette and a taller blonde girl with striking, red lips. Later, he had found out that only Chris and Vilde were in fact drunk, and he remembered that Noora was the one doing most of the talking (as usual). William shook his head slightly, trying to concentrate on the driving. Chris was talking animatedly beside him, totally oblivious to the state of his friend's nerves. The closer they got, the harder William gripped the steering wheel. The tires made a grating sound when he slowed down in the driveway of large villa. Everything was kind of blurry. He saw a garden with lots of people moving about. His eyes picked out Sana among the crowd, her black hijab standing out among all the flowery and light colors. She was sitting on a bench talking to...

...and suddenly, his world zeroed in on the girl sitting beside Sana. She was turned away from him, her blonde hair flowing over her shoulders, longer than he ever remembered seeing it. Before he knew what he was doing, he was already opening the door and stepping out of the car. As if synchronized - deep down, he knew it was because she had heard the car, but at that moment he wanted to think it was because she felt his presence behind him - she turned, her hair flying in the wind. The sight of her face made him almost stumble over his own feet. Suddenly he was grateful for the hoodie he was wearing and the haircut that made the hair fall in his face. It made it easier somehow, made him feel safer, secluded, cut off from anyone else but her. The walk from the car over to the bench she was sitting on felt like several miles. When he finally reached it, she was already standing - he hadn't noticed her moving, but she was, a head shorter than he, full red lips parted, and those pale blue-green eyes trained on him. He couldn't decipher the look in her eyes and had no idea what his own eyes conveyed. He hoped they didn't convey as much as he felt, because all these feelings would surely burn her to a cinder. Standing there before her, William was suddenly at loss. He had no clue what to say. Minutes ticked by - or it could have been seconds, hours, days - and then he said the first thing that came to mind - maybe the only possible thing, because it was the catalyst to him being there, standing in front of her:

"Takk for meldingen."


	2. Chapter 2

Afterwards, William had no idea what had happened from the moment he stood face-to-face with Noora and the moment when they suddenly were sitting side by side in his car, driving away from Eva's. Did they talk? How long did they stand there staring at each other? Did she follow him willingly? He couldn't tell. The only thing he knew was that there she was, sitting beside him, and they were driving somewhere. He didn't have a plan, didn't know where he was driving. He just knew that he wanted to be with her. William racked his brain and tried to think of something to say. Surprisingly, Noora was the one who spoke first.

"Where are we going?" 

Her voice reverberated inside him, and his heart started beating frantically. This was really happening. They were talking. They were physically in the same place. William tried to collect his thoughts. Where were they going? 

"My apartment is still empty." Right after he said it, he regretted it. The apartment held many good memories of their time together, but also the darkest and worst memories. William felt it wouldn't be a good idea to go back to the place that was so conflicted in his mind, and probably in Noora's as well. He just couldn't think of anywhere else they could go. The Kollektiv was out of the question, due to the ever-present Linn and the nosy Eskild, and a hotel felt out-of-place as well. His answer hung in the air between them. He heard Noora exhale, and then:

"OK."

William glanced at her and saw that she was looking out of the window. He swallowed. If he ever had fantasized of their meeting, this was not how it had looked like. 

***

William parked the car outside his apartment. The old, yellow house looked the same, except for a few details he picked out - new curtains in one of the windows on the second floor, a broken windowsill on the third floor. He stepped out of the car and then, as if on autopilot, went to open Noora's door. A beat, a moment, where he thought she wouldn't get out at all, and then she stepped out, drawing closer to him than she had there in Eva's garden. The smell of her sweet perfume filled his nostrils. William tried to inhale as much as he could without her noticing. Not wanting to crowd her, he moved aside and shut the door to the car. 

As he walked to the front door, he fished out his keys and opened the door. The jingling of the keys sounded unnaturally loud inside. Noora came in right after him. She walked past him and pressed the summon button for the elevator. William silently cursed the universe for making him suffer, because the elevator was up on the highest floor, and the old, rickety thing took ages to come down. The silence between them stretched, broken only by the noises of the elevator. 

William was suddenly scared of going inside. The elevator was so small and cramped. Even though he had wanted, with every fiber of his being, to meet Noora again, the close proximity scared him. But once again, Noora surprised him. She was the one to open the door to the elevator, step inside and when he didn't follow right away, made a quick motion with her head. William moved inside as if in a trance. The door slammed shut. Noora pressed the floor button and with a groan and a shake, the elevator started to move. William tried to collect his thoughts but the only thing he could think about was that time when him and Noora were in this very same space, only then as if glued to each other, enjoying a heavy make-out session, because it was impossible not to keep kissing every second of the day. It felt ages ago, and the difference between then and now mocked him. 

Thankfully, the elevator came to a stop. Noora, who seemed to be functioning quite well compared to the trembling wreck William was, opened the door and stepped outside. William came out behind her and let the door close with an audible crash. He again fished out his keys and opened the door to his apartment. Putting his keys in the pocket of his hoodie, he heard Noora come in behind him and close the door. 

The apartment looked exactly the same. It was neat and tidy, empty and dark. The curtains were closed. The cleaning lady had been coming here once every month since he (they) moved away and nobody had been here since then that he knew of. William had changed the locks after finding out about what Nico had done to Noora, and his father had told him that the apartment was to be let out, but hadn't bother to see to it yet.   
Suddenly, it felt that he couldn’t breathe. This was his home in Oslo, as far as William knew, but it didn't feel like it. Like a lightning from the sky, it struck William, that ever since he met Noora, she was the only home he knew and ever would know. And he had lost her. Lost her, due to his own insecurities and fears, due to his unfounded disappointment in her not being able to testify against Nico, due to his self-hatred he had projected on her, due to his all-consuming need to impress his father...or maybe just because he was, as she had thought in the beginning, a drittsekk, only ever able to push people away. The eight months of loneliness, filled with unanswered questions in the darkness of his mind, weighed down on him like solid bricks. 

He turned, saw Noora standing behind him through the tears in his eyes, and just couldn't keep it together anymore. He moved towards her and engulfed her in a tight hug, his nose burrowed in her neck. If she allowed it, he would never let her go. Never.


	3. Chapter 3

Being hugged by William was like coming home. He was warm, and solid, and here. Noora wished she could melt into him and never part. His embrace surprised her, because he had been so distant, so restrained, the perfectly controlled William she once knew, not the one who made her cocoa in the middle of the night or wanted her to read Henrik Ibsen or organize wild parties with lots of booze. No, he had been almost cold, and yet, here he was, nose burrowed in her neck, squeezing her so tight it almost hurt. 

And he was crying. Silently, but still - she felt his tears on her shoulder, felt him tremble ever so slightly. Noora felt privileged that he trusted her enough to show what he probably saw as a weakness. She thought she knew him well enough to know that to William, crying in front of another human being was the epitome of weakness. He had never been able to show weakness in his family. His brother thrived on weakness, any sign of weakness and he would strike like a cobra, and the only way William had been able fend for himself was to control his emotions. His mother had wasted away, trying and failing to deal with an older brother, totally out-of-control, so William tried to please her in the only way he knew - by being the exact opposite from his brother, sensing that his mother had no energy for any more feelings than those that were forced upon her. 

The accident (even though sometimes Noora thought that he didn't think it was an accident at all, which made it worse, because she knew he partly blamed himself for it) that had killed his little sister made this even more poignant. All feelings were banned, control was the thing. Noora knew a thing or two about suppressed feelings herself, but had never met anyone who restrained himself as much as William. He had opened up to her, bit by tiny bit, but she had come to realize that London and his father had been detrimental to William, and made him fall back on his old ways. His father didn't to feelings, either. Surrounded all his life by these people - his father, mother and brother - either lashing out with their feelings or hiding them, no wonder he was so restrained. Noora's heart went out to him. She squeezed him back, tried to convey that it was OK, that she was there, and she wouldn't condemn him. She needed to make him see, but how?

"William...it's OK," she whispered. "It's OK. I'm here. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. It's OK." William didn't answer, instead he squeezed her tighter. Noora blinked back the tears in her eyes. How much had she hurt him when leaving without letting him know? Would he find it in his heart to forgive her? She knew she had some explaining to do, and apologizing for sure.

Come to think of it, Noora could not remember ever apologizing to William for anything. He, on the other hand, had apologized several times. "Unskyld", he had said, after treating her appallingly in his kitchen, after her first meeting with Nico. He had apologized later, for Nico's behavior. And he had apologized for hitting that Yakuza-fellow with the bottle. Furthermore, there were moments when he had apologized, not in words, but with his eyes. Apologized, even though he wasn't the one to blame. She had seen it in his eyes, not the pity (which she didn't want, and hated), but the need to apologize for anything bad that happened to her, for the way her parents treated her, for the way her first boyfriend treated her, for her sickness. His compassion for her was so much greater than she had realized. And why, wondered Noora, could she not do the same for him? After all, she had hurt him several times during their relationship and also before that. She had resented him, even in public. She had turned him down several times, even though she didn’t really want to. She had said that she didn’t like him, to his face, and she had seen the hope die in his eyes. And she had lied to him about Nico. With him, she had forsaken one of the most important guidelines of her life: “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.” She didn’t know why she hadn’t been able to apply these words to William in the beginning. In retrospect, she resented herself for judging him, even though his behavior with Vilde (and many other girls) had been bad. Maybe it was time to apologize, for everything. Maybe it was time to talk, really talk, about everything that happened before they were together, about Nico, about London, about their families. Noora drew a shaky breath. 

"William, let's sit down. It's OK, I promise." Noora gently disentangled herself from his embrace, took his hand and tugged at it insistently. "Please." 

William was looking at the floor, the ever-present lock of hair obscuring his face. She could see the tears on his cheeks. Seeing him in so much pain was too much for her, so she let go of his hand, stepped close again, put her hands on either side of his face and turned his face towards her. This was the first time they looked each other in the eye since that moment in Eva's garden. His deep, brown eyes had never looked more beautiful to her, even though they were so sad. 

"William. It's OK. I'm not going anywhere." She swallowed. "I'm...William, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." These words seemed to shake William out of his stupor, because he started, swallowed, opened his mouth to say something, then swallowed again. Noora caressed his face, trying to soothe him. His behavior worried her. How would she be able to reach him, when he seemed this broken? 

"Noora...don't be sorry." William's eyes bored in to hers, with a terrible intensity. Noora shivered. His gaze was so scorching, almost the same as when he had found out about her and Nico. He bit his lip, lifted his hand and stroked her cheek. "Don't be sorry. This is...this is all on me." He turned his head away, his jaw tight, his mouth set in a thin line. 

Noora stared, shocked. Then she turned his face towards herself again. "No! No, this is so not all on you.". She swallowed. "Please, let's just sit down. Let's talk." She tugged at his hand insistently, and this time he followed. Noora made for the couch in the living room, sitting down, William following her docilely. He exhaled softly as he sat down and leaned back on the couch, resting his head, his eyes half-closed. He looked so tired, she thought, with shadows under his eyes. Noora licked her lips, trying to muster enough courage to say something. 

“Do I…Do I get a kiss?”

Noora’s eyes flew to William’s face. He was watching her, the smolder in his eyes now muted to a questioning, still sad, but slightly hopeful look. She was vividly reminded of that moment when he had said the exact same words, after the fight with Yakuza, when they met in the park. She remembered her conflicted feelings at that time, the anger at his actions, and at the same time an anger at anyone who hurt him. She remembered how scared she was of the protective feelings she got, and how bad it felt to see him with a bruise in his face. She remembered every word he had said, about violence and war being driving forces in the world, accusing her of being naïve, and feeling so helpless, because she couldn’t contradict him. It was then that he had said those words, with that same questioning, hopeful look, with an undercurrent of sadness and resignation, as if he knew what would happen.

At that moment, Noora didn’t want anything more than to kiss him and never stop. Again, she was reminded of something William had said, about stopping to think about what everyone else expected of her, and just doing what she wanted to do. She knew they should talk, and was scared that if they kissed, they would...like, never stop. Still, her mind unhelpfully added, this might very well be the last time they kissed. Who knew what would happen after they talked?

Noora lifted her hand and pushed away the insistent lock of hair from William’s face. Very slowly, she leaned in, hovering over him, trying to not get too close. She licked her trembling lips. William, in turn, lifted his hand, and stroked her hair, in that way only he ever did, entangling his hand in her blonde locks, pushing them behind her ear. There was so much tenderness in his eyes at that moment, and there really wasn’t anything else for her to do. She lowered her lips to his and claimed them in a sweet but heated kiss. The moment their lips touched, it felt like coming home. 

William responded by pulling her closer, pushing the hair out of her eyes once more, and deepened the kiss. She went willingly, not being able to withstand the sudden surge of passion in her veins. Eight months, even longer, since they had last touched like this, their unbridled passion fueled by months and months of longing, fueled by the fear of the other one vanishing the next moment, and Noora thought neither one of them saw the point in holding back anymore. It was liberating and scary at the same time.

William let her take the lead, allowing her to part his lips, deepening the kiss even further. Noora noticed that she had somehow ended up pressed against him, her hands entangled in his hair, tugging his head backwards to get a better angle. He didn’t protest. Their make-out session was like a piece of art, their movements perfectly synchronized. She marveled at the familiarity, the way it felt like they had never been apart at all. 

Suddenly, the seriousness of the situation came back to her. No, this was not the way to do this. They couldn’t trust their passion to guide them through this mess. It would only make it more difficult to talk, because they needed to talk. She made a huge effort and ended the kiss, lifting her head and looking straight into his eyes.

“William…we have to…we have stop.”

William licked his lips, his eyes hooded. Then he exhaled. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” I shouldn’t have…”

Noora rested her forehead against his. “It’s OK. I shouldn’t have either.”

William looked down. “Noora…I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much.”

Noora bit her lip. “I know. I’ve missed you too. So much.”

William looked up at her. Then he smiled. It was a small smile, a bit van, but still a smile. “Well, as long as there is that.”

Noora tried to smile back. She drew a shaky breath, and then said: “We have to talk.”

William nodded, smile gone. “Yes, you’re right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I don't know what happened. The kiss was unintentional. I suppose sometimes, characters run away with you...I hope it didn't feel too OOC. But I do believe it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows after he came back, so this will be heavy on the angst, at least in the beginning. Hope you enjoy!


	4. Chapter 4

Brazing himself for what was to come, William straightened up from his slouching position on the couch, inching away from Noora. He didn't want to, but felt it was better this way. He was starving for her touch, but silently agreed with her: they should talk first. He had no idea where to start, though.

Noora drew up her legs under her and leaned back on the couch. Her lipstick was a bit smudgy by now and her hair ruffled. She looked adorable. But her mouth was set in a tight line and she looked nervous. William thought he probably looked the same. Hell, he felt more nervous than ever before in his life. But he wanted to show her that he was ready to talk, - so here goes, he thought, and:

"Look, Noora..." but Noora interrupted him. 

"Please, let me go first." She took a deep breath. "I need to tell you something. When you came, you said thanks for the email. But I didn't send you an email." She shook her head, when William made a sudden movement. "No, wait, let me explain. I did write emails to you, several actually. I just...never sent them." She swallowed. "I think it was Sana. She got the password to my account a while ago, and right before you came, she tried to tell me something. She said that she hoped I wouldn't be mad at her. And that's when I heard your car." 

William stared at her. He didn't know what to say. If Noora hadn't written that email, had he come back in vain? Her words and above all, the kiss they had shared, spoke another language. She had wanted him to come back. His head was full of questions, but he was unable to voice any of them.

Noora looked at him then, as if she knew what he was thinking. "Don't get me wrong. It's not that I didn't want you to come."

William released the breath he hadn't even noticed he was holding. 

Noora cleared her throat. "Will you tell me what it said? The email?"

William started. "It said...well, it said several things, but I don't...I don't remember everything. But...well, basically it said...'I love you. If you love me, come to Oslo'." He chanced a look at her and saw that she was smiling, awestruck. 

"Wow", Noora breathed. "That's so Sana. Always straight to the point." 

William smiled in spite of himself. Then his mind registered what she had said. "You mean...?"

Noora looked at him fondly. "Yes, William, I love you. I never stopped." She paused. "What about you?"

William's head was spinning, but when he saw the hopeful yet fearful look on her face, he hastened to say: "I'm here. So...yes, I still love you. And I never stopped, either."

A beautiful smile spread on her face. William felt himself answering her smile. Noora nodded to herself. "That's...that's good." William's smile widened. "I'll say."

They were quiet for a moment. William drank in her features like a man in the desert starving for water. How had he gone eight months without seeing her, talking to her, touching her? He felt the overpowering need to hold her again, to kiss every inch of her, to sink into her and never part. But the moment of happiness was over too soon, when reality smacked him over the head with the ever-present questions. She still loved him, so why had she left? Why hadn't she sent him any of the emails? 

It seemed that reality was creeping up on Noora as well, because her smile faded. She exhaled softly and looked down. And then they spoke at the same time:

"I owe you an explanation." "Why didn't you send any of the emails?"

They looked at each other, surprised. William raised his eyebrows at Noora, and she swallowed before continuing:

"...I was...I was scared. I wrote all those emails, asking you to come back, but I was so...so scared that you...wouldn't. I didn't want to put it to a test." 

William was taken aback. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, so he just shook his head in mute disbelief. 

Noora looked down. "I know. I know, William. I'm sorry. I know it sounds bad. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lost faith in you. I just..." Noora hid her face in her hands. "You had become a stranger to me. You were so far away. I couldn't reach you."

William ground his teeth together. "Why didn't you say anything?"

Noora looked up at him in disbelief. "You think I didn't try?" She pushed herself up on the couch. "William, I tried. You just didn't listen."

William opened his mouth to argue, but stopped when he saw the look in her eyes, saw the deep sadness reflected therein. With that one look, he deflated. He knew what she meant. It wasn't as if he hadn't thought about this during her absence. He wasn't a complete idiot, after all. He hadn't been oblivious to the fact that they were drifting apart, and he knew he was to blame. 

Being in London, working for his father, was something he had waited for since the day his father moved to London when he was just a little kid. He had jumped at the opportunity to prove himself to his father, and suddenly it had taken over his life completely. William knew now that it was because he didn't want to give up on the last family member he still had left. Even if the chance was minuscule, it had become almost an obsession. It was as if it overrode everything else in his life. Noora was right. He hadn't listened to her. He nodded, mutely.

Noora was hugging herself and looked close to tears. "I know how important it was to you, to prove yourself to your father. I understand that. But it was like there wasn't room for anything else in your life. I felt like I was just a disturbance." She sniffed. "And then that thing with the court hearing happened."

William swallowed. This was the moment - the moment when everything would finally be laid on the table. They had never talked, in detail, about what Nico had done to Noora, to him, to them. But now there was no avoiding it. Silently, and not for the first time, William berated himself for letting her go through all this alone. Granted, she had hid it from him - back when it happened in the first place, and then again, when she hadn't told him about the court hearing (or the lack of one) - but he should have known, should have seen the signs, at least the second time. He had, after all, seen it before: the helplessness, the anxiety, the sleeplessness. He, who professed to love her and understand her, should have known. 

And he shouldn't have left her alone to deal with it. William knew that Noora needed her space but he knew that there were times when she actually needed him to force down the walls she built around herself. This most definitely was one of those moments. He had failed her. Again. Then he heard her, almost choking on the words, bizarrely echoing his thoughts:

"I'm sorry I failed you."

William was out of his seat before he knew it. Quickly, he knelt in front of her and took her in his arms. She was shaking. 

"Hey, no. You didn't fail me. Shh, shh. Breathe for me, okay?" He squeezed her tighter. "It's OK. It's OK. You didn't fail me. If anything, I failed you." 

William disentangled himself and pushed Noora's chin up, forcing her to look at him. "Noora, it was never your job to save me from my brother. You shouldn't have had to feel you had to save me in the first place. I'm...I'm sorry he put you through this. Sorry I left you alone to deal with it. I'm..." He swallowed hard. "I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to protect you from him. I should have been honest from the beginning. If you had known what he was, nothing of this would ever have happened." William closed his eyes. "I will never forgive myself for exposing you to him. When I found out about the court hearing...it made me feel so helpless. Like with Yakusa but a billion times worse. It felt like there wasn't anything I could do, that he would always be free to fuck with my life. That no matter what I did, he would always win."

He opened his eyes and looked at Noora. "I'm just so damn sorry."

Noora shook her head. "It wasn't your fault. Nothing about this is your fault."

William pressed his lips together. "You would never have met him if it wasn't for me. Of course I blame myself."

Noora sighed. "You really shouldn't." She traced his lips with her finger. "But I understand that you feel that way." She was silent for a moment. "You know...I wanted to do it. I was on the tram on the way to court...I wanted to be strong, to do it myself. I didn't want to expose you to him, to what happened. I didn't even tell the girls." She looked down. "But then I just couldn't do it. I was so ashamed of myself, but I couldn't...I couldn't do it. I said to you once that I wasn't afraid of him. I suppose it's true, I don't think he would do anything to me anymore. But still, I didn't want to see him, ever again." She sighed. "So I stepped out the tram...and then took another tram back."

William wiped away a stray tear on her cheek. "It's OK."

Noora shook her head. "No, it's not. At least not when I lied to you about it."

William was silent for a moment and then asked the question he had wanted to ask a long time: "Why didn't you tell me?"

Noora looked down. "Because I knew it would come between us. Silly, I know, because it came between us anyway. I was so ashamed of myself and only wanted to forget it. I tried to tell me that it was better to put it behind me, that it was better for the both of us. It was so stupid of me. I didn't tell the girls either, not before Sana all but forced me to talk about it. I told her that I've never seen anyone as disappointed as you were when you found about that the charges had been dropped." 

William took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I was just...so angry that he got away. You remember when you said that we had to have faith in the legal system? And when I was called in for questioning about the incident with the bottle, I took that leap of faith." He tipped her chin up and looked into her eyes. "I remember the look in your eyes that day. You were so proud of me. And that made me feel proud as well. I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that you told me to have faith, and then couldn't do it for yourself."

Noora's eyes were shining with unshed tears. "Even you can't be more disappointed in me than I am."

William shook his head. "I'm not disappointed. I just wish you would have told me."

Noora looked down. "I know it sounds crazy, but I was afraid of your reaction, so I didn't tell you, even though I knew you would find out about it sooner or later. I knew you would take it badly." She swallowed. "But I also knew that if and when there would be a verdict, you would find out exactly what happened."

William pressed his lips together. How well she knew him. Steeling himself for what was to come, he said: "I think I need to know. And I think you need to tell me. It's the only way to really put it behind us."

Noora nodded slowly. "I guess you're right." She pushed her hair behind her ears, was silent for a moment, then said. "I'm just going tell you everything from the start." William gave her knee a squeeze. Noora seemed to ponder where to start, and then said:

"Well...after the fight with Yakuza, I had asked you for some space to think about stuff. I talked to Sana about us. She really made me see clearly for the first time, and I made up my mind and wanted to talk to you. I tried to reach you, but couldn't get hold of you. So I went to your apartment. " She swallowed. "Nico was there and he was throwing a party. I asked if I could come inside and charge the battery on my phone. He let me in." Noora looked down on her hands. "You once said he's really good at manipulating people. You're right. He knew exactly what to say to push me over the edge. And the worst thing is...I believed him. He said terrible things about you, and I believed him."

William tried to keep calm. "What did he say?"

Noora looked at him. "Are you sure you want to know?"

William nodded. "Just tell me."

Noora bit her lip. "He...he said that you were not coming home. He offered to text you, and when a text came through, he told me that you weren't coming home...that you were off with some other girl. He said that I seemed like a really nice girl, and he had seen nice girls come and go, and everybody thought you would change for them, but you never did." Noora looked down. "I know now that he played me. He didn't send you a text. He made it all up. But I believed him."

William swallowed. The lies Nico had told didn't surprise him at all. But the fact that Noora had believed Nico was like a knife to his heart. He had thought she had learnt to trust him by then, but apparently he had been wrong. Without noticing it, he started to withdraw. But a hand on his arm stopped him, and he looked up at Noora. She looked devastated. 

"William, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have listened to him." She looked down. "But there's more. He told me you had these really bad tantrums when you were younger. That you used to bite and kick and hit people. That your mother used to lock you up." She looked up, apologetically. "He said that once, you tried to push your little sister out of the window."

William jerked away from her touch like he had been scalded. Nico wouldn't have...Would he? And Noora...she hadn't believed him, had she? He felt like he had an out-of-body experience. This couldn't be happening. This just couldn't be happening. William thought he had had enough of Nico's shit, but somehow, this was the worst. Suddenly, he was thrown back to his childhood, could hear Nico screaming in his head, could hear him beating on his door, could remember how he and Amalie had hid in the closet until it was over...To hear Nico had told Noora those things as if William had done them, when it was Nico all along...William felt trapped. He would never be free from the toxic that was his brother. 

"Wow. He really does hate me." He could hear his own voice, ringing in his own ears, cold and devoid of emotion. He looked at Noora. "And you believed him." It wasn't a question.

Noora looked at him, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "I don't know. Maybe."

William looked at her, trying to understand. But nothing made sense anymore. He sensed that this was the moment, the moment where he either decided to put this behind him and forgive - not Nico, never Nico - but forgive Noora for having believed his brother. He could do that - or he could walk out on her now, and be done with it. 

A moment passed, he didn't know how long, but in the end, it was not that difficult to make up his mind. Because the only way to make sure that Nico wouldn't win - not this time! - was to not let him screw this up. 

William put one hand on Noora's cheek. "It's OK."

Noora looked at him, wide-eyed. "What?"

William traced her lips with his finger. "It's OK. I wasn't exaggerating when I told you he's the master of manipulation, because he is. I know exactly what he was thinking. He wanted to fuck with your mind. Basically, he told you the truth, only omitted that little detail that all those things were done by him, not by me. He used to have tantrums. He used to kick, bite and hit. And our mother...she used to lock him up in his room, because she couldn't deal with him." William swallowed. "And yes, once he tried to push Amalie out of the window. And I think he told you this partly because he wanted to screw us up, but also partly because he knew that if this wouldn't screw us up, then the fact that you believed him would screw us up. And I'm not going to give him the satisfaction." William took her face between his hands. "I'm never going to let him come between us again. Do you understand?"

Noora looked at him. "Yeah...you're right. But, William..."

William interrupted her. "Don't apologize. Please, don't." He looked deep into her eyes. "Yes, you shouldn't have believed him. But...I know my brother. He can be very persuasive. And we were in a bad place at that time. Just...don't worry. It's OK."

Noora looked back, uncertain. "Are you sure?"

He nodded. "I'm sure." He rested his forehead against hers, and closed his eyes. Her hands came up and encircled his wrist, squeezing tightly. They were silent for a moment. 

"What happened then?" William asked. 

Noora sighed. "Well...you already know. He gave me something to drink, and I passed out. When I woke up, I was naked in your bed, and he was sleeping beside me, Mari on his other side. I couldn't remember anything. I went straight home...I got your message on the way home, and I felt like the worst human being in the world. I had no idea what had happened. I lied to you then, telling you I was sick...Eskild and Linn were worried, but I didn't...I couldn't tell them. Finally, I sent a message to Nico, asking him what had happened. You remember when I hauled you inside that empty classroom?"

William nodded.

"That was right after he sent me a message. He said that nothing happened, that it was just a party, and told me not to worry." She squeezed her eyes shut. "He did it on purpose. He must have done. He must have known how relieved I would be. And then he pulled the rug right from under me." She looked at William. "Because right after you had left with Chris, he sent a new message to me. He told me he had been kidding, that he had remembered everything. He said that I had wanted to sleep with him. And then he sent me the photo."

William could feel his hands shaking. This was even worse than he had thought. The maliciousness of Nico's actions was unbelievable. William tried to calm down. As bad as this felt for him, it must have felt so much worse for Noora. He needed to be strong for her. 

"I didn't have any other option than to believe him. I couldn't remember anything." Noora swallowed. "I felt so...so dirty, so used. But I couldn't tell anybody. I was just so ashamed. And then you came to see me. And I was this close to telling you. But I was so afraid of your reaction. I was sure you would never want anything to do with me." A lone tear trailed down her cheek. "And then you were there, and you were so wonderful to me. No one has ever done anything like that for me before. You comforted me, didn't press me for answers, you were just there for me." She squeezed his wrists once more. "That's the most wonderful thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you."

William couldn't resist, so he pressed a chaste kiss on her lips. "You're welcome."

Noora sighed. "When you took me to Eva's, I had decided I would confront Nico, and then tell you. I told the girls, then, as well. They were so shocked, and they forced me to go to the doctor, and to report Nico. They were with me every step of the way. They really are the best friends ever." She smiled a little. William smiled, too. "I'm glad."

"Then...then we talked about how to go about it. I wanted to confront Nico. Sana and Chris were for it, Eva and Vilde against it. But I felt I needed to do it, so I sent him a message and asked him to meet me at pub in town."

William stiffened. "You met him again?"

Noora nodded. "I did."

William shook his head in disbelief. "Why would you do that?"

Noora shrugged. "I wanted to show him that he couldn't scare me. So I confronted him. He was so sure of himself in the beginning. He blackmailed me, told me he had those photos and I should be really careful of what I said to him. That's what made up my mind in the end. Me and the girls...we had done some investigation, and I just hit him over the head with a lot of law paragraphs about child porn and sexual harassment. It did the trick. He wasn't that sure of himself after that."

William stared at her in awe. "You...really? You did that?" 

Noora nodded again. "I did."

William shook his head. He couldn't believe she had been this brave. He rested his forehead against hers again, and said: "Noora Amalie Saetre. You are without a doubt the bravest person I know." His throat felt tight. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that, though. But also so proud of you. I wish I could have seen his face."

Noora smiled a little. "It was kind of epic, yes. However, it didn't make the horrible feeling go away...because I still thought we had slept together. That's when the girls pushed me to talk to Mari. And after a while, I gave in, and we talked, and she was really nice. I didn't know that you knew her since you were kids." The look she gave William was questioning. He nodded.

"Yeah, Mari and Amalie were best friends in kindergarten and school. She's always been really cool."

"When we talked, I realized that all the things Nico had told me were true, but they were about him, not about you. And she told me that she was one hundred percent sure that we hadn't slept together. I can't even describe how relieved I was at that point."

William nodded. "I can understand that."

Noora sighed. "Well, after that...I kinda thought it would be over. But it wasn't. Nico sent me a message. I think it was the worst of them all." She looked up at him. "He wrote, and I quote: It was great to see you. I hope you and William will be happy together." And right after I read the message..."

William bit his teeth together. How well he remembered that moment. It still haunted him sometimes, the feeling of utter devastation, when reading Nico's message, the feeling when he confronted Noora on the stairs in school, waiting with every fiber of his being that she would deny it, only to get that look of utter helplessness from her, that terrible "I don't know". 

Noora was still looking at him timidly. "Will you tell me what happened?"

William looked away. "It was...I think it was the worst thing that Nico had ever done. He just messaged me, cool as you please, and warned me of you. He wrote that you were...that you had...thrown yourself at him. He made it sound like he was sorry, because he thought 'I deserved better'." William looked back at Noora. "I also owe you an explanation. Yes, you believed his lies about me, but I also believed his lies about you. If I had been thinking rationally, I would never have believed him. I knew you by then. I knew you never drank any alcohol. I knew you would never sleep with anyone you didn't care about, no matter how angry or disappointed you were in me." William looked down, ashamed. "I never apologized for that. He's my brother, and I know him better than anyone. And still he made believe that you had slept with him."

Noora touched his cheek briefly. "It's OK."

William shook his head. "No, it really isn't. But it happened."

They were silent for a while. 

"Have you heard from him since?" Noora asked carefully. 

"No." William shook his head. "I blocked him, changed my phone number, changed the locks to the apartment. I told the basics of what he had done to my parents."

"Really? You told this to them?" Noora looked worried. "You didn't have to do that."

William shrugged. "I know. But I wanted them to know. I don't know if they will cut him off, but I wanted them to know what a little shit he is."

He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Noora's and they stayed there for a moment. "Look", William spoke softly. "Could we just...agree that he managed to fuck with us both and stop apologizing?"

Noora exhaled. "That sounds like a good idea."

William opened his eyes and looked deep into her eyes. "I meant what I said earlier. I'm never going to let him come between us again."

Noora nodded. "Neither will I."

"I'm also sorry for what happened in London", William continued. "I guess I...I just, I just wanted to...I wanted to live with my father since he moved away. He was never very affectionate but still. I would have done anything to get away from Nico. But he didn't want me to come with him back then. He didn't want a kid to weigh him down. Now he was all for it, I guess it was because there was something in it for himself." William pressed his lips together, not wanting to admit it, but he knew it was true. "He's never really cared for me. I was just an employee." He lifted his head and looked at Noora. "But you see...I didn't want to give up on him. I guess I was working so hard because I hoped he would come to look at me as something more. But I was wrong. He will never do that. And he was the last family member I still had any hope for. I didn't want to let go of that dream, of finally having a family member that would..." His throat felt tight all of a sudden. "...would love me, just for me."

Noora looked at him, sadly. "William, I know. And I'm so sorry it didn't work out. You deserve so much more. That was the worst, seeing your father behave like he did with you...knowing that he would never be what you wanted. And still you continued to try, and I started to think that it was enough for you. That's when it became too much for me. Because I think you deserve more and I couldn't stand seeing you settle for any less."

William smiled a little. "You're right."

Noora sniffed. "Good. I'm sorry he let you down, again." 

William shrugged. "I should have seen it coming. I didn't want to admit it, that's all. And I guess I took it out on you, in a way."

Noora frowned. "What do you mean?"

William sighed. "I'm not stupid. I could see where it was going. I knew, deep down, that he could never be the father I wanted him to be. And I was just so disappointed...and still I continued to hold out for him, I don't really know why. It made me feel so angry, at myself, at him, at you. It felt that you resented me, even though it was me the whole time. I resented myself for not accepting the facts. But I just projected that on you and I'm sorry."

Noora shook her head. "It's OK. I understand. It's difficult to let go of that kind of hope."

They were quiet for a while. William rested his head in her lap and Noora stoked his hair, twirling the obstinate locks around her fingers. William couldn't remember ever speaking so much before. He had always been more of a silent type, letting others do the talking. But it felt good to talk. Even though it was hard, it made him feel a little bit better. However, he knew there were worse things they needed to talk about. Things he dreaded. Such as his childhood, and Amalie...He sensed that there was so much more they still needed to talk about. 

"Look", Noora spoke, "I need a human minute." William smiled in spite of himself. It was a line used by Bella in Twilight, one they had started to use for the fun of it, even though neither of them could stand the books or the movies.

"OK", he said, standing up and stretching a bit. Noora stood up, but before she could go any further, William took her hand, gave a small tug and said: "You have 30 seconds. I'm keeping an eye on the watch." 

Noora's eyebrows flew skyward and then she was laughing for the first time he had come back. She backed away and when she was in the doorway, she showed her middle fingers at him. William smiled at her.

Maybe there still was a chance for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long chapter, one that was very difficult to write. Hope you enjoy! There are so many things they need to discuss, so many unsolved questions...this is just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. I wanted it to feel as real as possible, and that meant a discussion that sometimes flows freely, sometimes stops, sometimes jumps from one thing to another. There are a lot of "I'm sorrys" here, from both of them. I really tried to delve in to what happened with Nico, because I think it was such a horrible thing, something I firmly believe affected them both very much. I wondered about the fact that both of them believed his lies so easily and thought some apologizing was needed, on both sides. I do hope I did them justice. Feedback is much appreciated!


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